Snail Mail Series - Dos and don'ts

I've been snail mailing for about 22 years now (since I was 9) and I have come to know certain etiquette and untold expectations of snail mail.

When you find the right pen-pal it’s truly amazing. You found an instant friend for life who doesn't mind hearing you waffle and rant – whereas in ‘real life’ your friends might be “Oh shut up, Dannii”.

But to get to that point it’s kind of a struggle, isn't it? I mean, with either trudging through dull pen-pal adverts or putting up one yourself and getting ‘those’ people reply. You know who I mean! (If you don’t, put up a pen-pal ad for yourself and you’ll know!). Once you find that certain person it feels like a breath of fresh air!

So I’m going to share with you some of the things I have learnt from my many years of pen-palling.

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Looking for a pen-pal -

Do’s and Don'ts

 ♥ DO be picky! – So you’ve put out an advert on pen-pals now or inter-pals, (or Instagram) and you get excited when you see all those replies!

However, bear in mind that some of those replies will be men asking you to be his beloved (I’m not just talking to women here) or someone in another country asking for money.

But then you do get the nice people asking for pen-pals!

Again – a few things you may need to consider –

• Does this email feel like a ‘copy and paste’ email that has been sent to every Tom, Dick and Harry out there? (Even worse if it’s an email with loads of recipients – those emails go straight into my bin). If it does, I would advise to stay away from that person. If they can’t be arsed to personalise their email why should be arsed to respond to it?

• Do they seem like the kind of person you’d get on with in everyday life? If not and you reply anyway, sending letters to them will start to feel like a chore

• Have they given you much to go on? Meaning – how much have they written in their email? I usually don’t reply if they have only written a couple of lines, (and you’ll find most other people do the same). Again, why should you be arsed if they can’t? And don't fall for the BS story of "I only wrote a few lines just in case you don't reply". Trust me, if you write a genuine, lovely email showing your personality and sense of humour then the recipient is most likely going to reply, and if they don't they are numpties. Who wouldn't love to reply to that?

• Do they have a personality? In my pen-pal ads, I always ask them to show their personality. It’s all well and good saying “I'm funny, happy and quirky”, but if their email shows nothing of this then how do you know they really are?

♥ DO make your penpal ad easy on the eye - If you write a massive clump of writing no one will really want to read it. Oh, and let's not forget grammar while we are at it...

And don't 'rite lyk dis'. Unless you really want to be punched in the face to get some sense and class knocked in you... It's quite annoying. Who needs to write 'text' speak any more? Dumb-arses that's who...anyway...I digress...

Spaces are your friends! The ads I tend to stop at have spaces and sometimes bullet points.    

♥ DO be specific when writing your pen-pal ad. This helps weed out all the people that don’t really want to talk to – like asking for specific age, gender, country etc.

I’m a bit more picky with my requests as it makes it easier for me to find like-minded people. I ask they show their personality in their emails and write more than 4 lines, (or I won’t reply, mean I know but otherwise the emails are just spam in my mail box). Oh, and most importantly, no one looking for love or money. You’ll find most pen-pal adverts state this. However…this will bring me to my next point –

♥ Don’t be racist or judgemental – this I think would be a pretty obvious statement but the amount of adverts I've seen where they are mean about certain countries is unbelievable! There are loads of lovely people from these countries and learning about their cultures is fascinating! Don’t group people together because you have experienced loads of spam from people from those countries.

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You’re responding to a pen-pal ad –

 ♥  DO Sell yourself! – okay, not in a ‘standing on a street corner’ kind of way, but if you want people to reply there is nothing wrong with ‘bigging’ yourself up.

To be fair, writing that initial response email can be daunting and a bit hard. You’re selling yourself and, if you’re a reserved British girl like me *cough* you might be tempted to hold back a little (don’t want to seem big headed, do you?).

However, if you show your personality and your sense of humour, you are more likely to get a response. Who doesn't want a pen-pal who makes you laugh?    

 ♥ DO comment on things in their profile/ad - show that you are interested and aren't just sending 'copy and paste' responses to people! 

 ♥ DON’T come off too needy – The amount of times I have had emails saying “I don’t have many friends, and I am a bit lonely” is too many to count. I'm shameful to say I don’t reply to those…I know, I know, don’t look at me like that! But really, do you WANT to talk to some like that? Yes, you may feel a bit lonely…but don’t admit that…would you admit that to a bloke you were considering dating? No! Potential friends don’t want to hear it either!

♥ DO send more than a 1 sentence mail - As I said earlier, I don't bother to reply to 1 sentence pallie requests, don't expect the person you are emailing to bother either. Even if it is on Instagram. Argh! It's really annoying to get a "You want more pen-pal?" - And yep, the bad grammar is intentional here! I know Instagram doesn't give you much room but you can still manage a paragraph or a DM!   

General pen-pal stuff

♥ DON’T be an attention seeker -  Ever get that pen-pal who just talks about themselves all the time and hasn't acknowledged anything in your letter? Yeah, who wants that? Make yourself come across interested, ask loads of questions, (although not in a creepy interrogation kind of way...), and don’t go fishing for compliments.

♥ DON’T lie! – Not written to your pallie in a while? Be honest!

If you're not feeling up to writing a letter because you suffer with an illness, either mental or physical, or you are just having a couple of 'blah' months, just be honest! Trust me, your pallie will appreciate the honesty.

 Don’t come up with excuse after excuse of why you haven’t written yet.

My topper of all BS excuses was “My house caught fire and your letter was in it” (this person had previously ‘lost’ 2 of my letters. When I didn't reply after the “my house caught fire” excuse they had the audacity to ask why).

♥ DON’T demand things –  Ever had the situation where you've found a nice pen-pal, but over the course of the letter they start mentioning how much money they don’t have or how much they want something, (let’s say a baby), and then after a while they ask for money or put surrogate mother requests in their letter...

Yeah...don’t that...

♥ DO keep in touch – Not heard in your pallie for a while? Email them and ask if they got your letter (in a nice way). Sometimes letter go for a trip around the world and prefer it in Fiji so it’s always good to keep in touch via email to see where things have got to.

Last year I thought one of my pallies stopped writing and it made me quite sad since I loved getting her letters. Last summer whilst trudging through the pen pal adds on Pen-pals Now I saw her ad, I thought I give it a go and email her and low and behold she never got my letter…or I never got hers, I can’t remember…but she missed my letters and much as I did hers.

I also had a letter go astray when I was sending it to Singapore (which I got terribly annoyed about as it was over 20 pages and I had made look so pretty....*sigh*). I guess it went passed Mauritius and decided to stay there (I don't blame it...if I could go back there right now I would....*goes into a daydream*)

Also, if you’re having a rough few months (we all have lives outside of snail mail, you’re allowed to get busy) let your pallie know, they’ll appreciate the notice!

I have, however, found that adding someone to be my friend on Facebook usually kills the snail mail friendship. I generally don’t add people as a friend on Facebook because of this – and well…I generally don’t go on Facebook much anyway, too much whining, baby pictures and attention seeking for my liking…

♥ DO be creative! – This is very important to me! I LOVE pen-pals who think outside the box! It’s always a pleasure to read their letters. I have a current pallie who draws doodles, adds printed pictures and comments on the most random of things. I LOVE it!

A snail mail folder with letter and mail tag

It’s great if you can’t think of anything to write! I have a pen-pal who comments on things she watches on telly as she’s writing. It hilarious! It doesn't just have to be talking about what you've done since the last letter. In fact, the more random the conversation the better! I love it when people write what comes into their head even if it’s totally ridiculous!

Letter made from project life grid cards with patterned
paper and stamps

Not only that, but isn't it lovely when you open a letter and they gone that extra mile to decorate and make it pretty and it leaves you staring in awe for about ten minutes?

Letter using kraft project life cards and coloured paper.

♥ DO show your personality - This isn't just for your pen-pal add! I love getting letters where my pallie has shown their personality so well that it almost feels I could be sitting there with them having a coffee. This is the dream pen-pal! The one whose letters you look forward to getting, who makes you jump up and down with their letter when it comes.

Such high quality writing...

 
♥ DON'T be that pen-pal that always moans all the time - Do you ever get that letter where all your penpal does is just constantly moan? They never sound happy or they just bitch the whole letter? Don't be that pen-pal!! Yeah, it's alright to have a good moan about something once in a while but don't do it every letter, or at least the whole letter.


I like to do the 'entertainment-moan/sad story-entertainment' sandwich. You start off with a laugh, a funny tidbit, or a funny moment, then go on to the not-so-nice stuff, then bring the tone back to light, funny and fluffy again. Your pallies will not mind and will want to hear the nitty, gritty from you (otherwise you just have a superficial pallie relationship) but don't drag them down into utter despair!

♥ DO write beyond the ‘getting to know you' stage – Do you ever get that pen-pal who after the ‘getting’ to know you stage stops writing? Yeah? That’s the person who has no imagination on what to write after they've spoken about themselves.

I much prefer the time AFTER the ‘getting to know’ you stage. That’s the time I know whether I've found a person I truly want to chat with.

Anyway, doesn't it get boring just writing the initial things about you all the time? I get sick of writing it after a while and start getting annoyed at myself. It’s like listening to someone talk about themselves all the time and you feel like telling yourself to shut your pie hole!

♥ DON’T have terrible handwriting – If you have messy handwriting, work on making it neater! I used to have terrible, illegible handwriting (sometimes I even still do...it depends on if I am really close to finishing my shift at work...it's still more legible then most doctors handwriting though...) and I've worked on neatening it up!

♥ DO know how to recognise a dodgy pen-pal – over the years I can now see what pen-pals may make dodgy ones. They are usually the ones who show no personality in their letters, ask for pictures straight away or ask to video chat, begin the email with a 'Darling', 'Beautiful' or other form of pet name...

♥ DO be aware of cultural differences – this is probably pretty self-explanatory… Remember some countries find certain things offensive or they might not know your lingo. It might be worth asking them to tell you when they can't understand something. Sometimes we English people forget not everyone speaks English - even if their English is better than our own! - and even those who do don't know our slang. 

Where to look for Pen-pals
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Here's a small list of place I usually go. There are loads of other places also but these I find are the best and are free.

♥ Penpals Now

♥ Interpals

♥ Swap-bot
♥ Instagram #penpalwanted
♥ Instagram #penpalsneeded




Check out my snail mail directory for more links on where to find pen-pals, stationery pen-pal related sites.